Rather, I'm electric.
Ever since my 2011 return to Maine things have been statically charged. Literally. Every cloth-based item in my apartment radiates electricity. Fleece is by far the worst culprit, which is a shame because my favorite blanket - the one I always curl up with on the couch - is a luxuriously soft fleece. Now, I'm not giving my blanket up, but it wouldn't matter either way as everything is practically vibrating with voltage. There are some items that you can just feel. Come near them - within 6inches or so - and you can feel the static resistance, drawing you in yet pushing you away at the same time. The hair on your arms standing to attention without even touching the offending fabric. Nonetheless, I've learned to live with that aspect of it (even the inevitable havoc it wreaks on my hair).
However, the resulting shocks I constantly receive are barely tolerated. Yet, I can find no way to avoid them. Given that I am a walking ball of energized matter, every time I touch something with actual electricity running through it (e.g., light switches, the fridge) or anything metal, I get shocked. There are often loud, visible sparks as well. Not only is this mildly painful, but I have the comical (not-so-serious) fear that these sparkling encounters will a) blow a fuse or b) over time, my body will react as if it is being constantly tased.
My solution thus far has been to put 3904327 dryer sheets in with every load of laundry, hoping that will help... but no. I know I could also get a humidifier, but, well, I'm kind of lazy. I should just make my own by bringing in a couple shovelfuls of snow and throwing them over the baseboard heaters.
That should do the trick.